Sunday, November 29, 2015

The Light of Separation

I've spent half of my life missing people and this is quite an interesting statement given that I'm a ridiculously shy introvert who hardly ever hangs out with anyone. Oh, wait. This actually makes sense. I guess other people just find each other and see each other instead of floating in nostalgia for years. I'm not so lucky. I can't bring myself to do that and even if I do, I end up panicking and over-thinking everything, so I usually decide to spare myself the stress.

Now... Is this a good or a bad thing?
From the modern society's perspective behaving like that is totally wrong. Our society wants to see highly sociable people everywhere. It is obsessed with extroversion. This is why those who don't live up to the standard feel guilty and beat themselves up for being different. This is why people keep asking whether I'm dating anyone. This is why we often see ourselves as social failures. Because no one told us that it's ok to be different. It is only through fully embracing our personalities that we can reconnect with the world. I had spent years hating my shyness and awkwardness before I accepted it and suddenly everything became a lot easier. I communicate with the world in a different way and it's ok. And yet... Sometimes it still feels very wrong. I don't know why I always have to contradict myself when I write but... Life is just so versatile. We can't really apply any labels to ourselves and claim that we only think this and do that. So, yeah, sometimes everything just feels very wrong. Sometimes loneliness hits in waves. But then again, I have to ask myself wether my desires match my needs. Because it seems that a lot of desires come ready-made into my life and have nothing to do with my personality.

Maybe I'm a coward. I admit I'm afraid of relationships. Maybe I'm afraid of disappointment. Maybe I'm addicted to melancholy and keep subconsciously attracting painful separations into my life. Whatever the reason, I always end up missing someone like hell. But don't you ever feel sorry for me. I make the best of what I get. The power of missing someone is totally mind-blowing and I'm grateful to my introverted nature for allowing me to dive deep into it.
I want to change the way we see separation. Separation is very often seen as just a part of a relationship and is rarely appreciated on its own. But hey, separation can be beautiful. You can make it beautiful, you can love it and turn it into a metaphor. And it will love you back by changing you and making you a better person. I know this. I've been there too many times and I'm about to get there again, so... A reminder is needed.


Friday, November 13, 2015

A Week Off Social Media (Diary)


It's Monday and today is my first day without social media. No Instagram, no Tumblr, no YouTube. No mindless scrolling, no posting,no fangirling, no likes, no comments.
I wake up and have breakfast. It feels a bit weird: just eating my breakfast without simultaneously consuming news and updates. Funny.
During the day I often find myself reaching for my phone to check Instagram or something else. No, not today. I do have enough willpower and I begin to like this challenge.
You never realize how addicted you are to something until it disappears from your life. God, I'm addicted. I'm saying it out loud and it scares me but I'm determined to confront my addiction. Addictions are never healthy.
Towards the end of the day I begin to feel some sort of panic. I am so alone. I suddenly see how alone I actually am. And I don't know who this person is. Who am I? No idea. Suddenly it feels as if a part of me is missing. It's scary. I don't feel any connection with myself.
I realize that most of my thoughts are circling around social media and the people that I follow and it terrifies me. So, I basically live in a two dimensional world? It's crazy.
It's evening and I'm listening to music. For some reason melancholy hits me and I experience a strong longing for something. I actually begin to cry quietly. I don't know why, I'm just filled with emotions and crying seems to be the only way to let them out.


Tuesday. I wake up and it's been more than 24 hours since I last checked any social media. I feel calm. My mind is still chattering but not as much as it usually does. Usually it's a complete mess: weird thoughts and different languages colliding.
I used my iPhone to check time and then I accidentally opened Instagram. Holy shit. My finger can find that Instagram icon without me consciously telling it to do so. Wow. Addiction on all levels. I got terrified, panicked and closed Instagram as soon as I realized what my hand had just done. The whole experience was so brief that I didn't really see any updates. Haha, the panic was real though.
During the day I often find myself wandering around not being entirely sure what to do with my time.
I read a lot. The first book is Introvert by Linus Jonkman. Another one is The Power of Now. I bought the books when I was at a railway station waiting for a train and being a perfect example of an introverted person according to Linus Jonkman. I want to thank this man for writing the book: it's a must-read for all introverts out there, seriously. Just admit you are an introvert - welcome to the club! Spare yourself years of self-loathing and seeing yourself as a complete social failure. We, introverts,are just very different. It's ok.


Observation #1: I can't start my day reading anything serious and deep. I need something that wouldn't challenge me too much. Usually I scroll through Instagram in the morning and it does the job. This week I tried magazines and even news programs on tv. It wasn't as time-consuming as scrolling through my newsfeed, not quite as entertaining as scrolling, I guess.
On another note, I feel a lot better. Less anxious. There is a new feeling of stillness.

Observation #2: my procrastination has nothing to do with social media or web surfing. I successfully procrastinate with my books and even spend an hour practicing Tengwar.

Thursday. I wake up and I don't feel the need to check anything. It's an amazing feeling.

Yay, it's Friday! But the wonderful thing about Ingesund is that I actually find myself looking forward to Mondays, haha. It's a really nice feeling. Less waiting, more life. Right here, right now.
So... Social media? What about them? I can proudly say that I'm doing very well without them. But apparently my fingers aren't. They keep opening apps. But I keep closing them before I get to see any updates.
For many years I've been suffering from too much mental noise. I've always complained about the overload of information in the modern world. It's scary that we often don't even realize
what effect social media has on us. We think that it's we who consume information but what if it's otherwise?

Today has been a surprisingly productive Saturday. I made a plan in the morning and managed to stick to it. It's nice to know that I haven't spent the day scrolling. Whenever I feel a bit bored I just start doing assignments or I just sit and think.
I'm so glad I decided to try this experiment. I suddenly discovered a whole new world of being more present.

Sunday. Walks by the lake, reading, doing assignments and watching operas online. Playing with the thought of continuing this experiment because it feels so freeing.

Вера набирает сообщение..

Вера набирает сообщение..


Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Sunset Magic

Coming to the lake every evening has become my little ritual.

It began one day when I felt really miserable and lost but dragged myself out for a walk anyway, hoping that it would clear my mind. It was a bit windy but the wind was quite gentle and didn't irritate me at all but it caused waves on the lake and for a moment it felt like being by the seaside again. So I just stood there listening to the comforting sound of the waves and it felt really good. Breathing in the chill air of autumn. Trying to be present.

I'm teaching myself to live in the moment. I've spent years longing for something different, wishing to be somewhere else, constantly looking forward to the right moment to start living. Longing for relationships. Trying to live up to someone's expectations. I forgot that the only thing we own is the moment. I forgot how important it is to be content on my own. Our world has been turned upside down and our values have been messed up. When I think about my life I subconsciously try to plan it out according to what's considered to be normal: school, university, job, family... I'm sorry, but life is so much more than that! I was taught to think that this simple scheme defined life. There is so much pressure in our world. We are constantly expected to do certain things that would make us "fit in" yet the only way to really fit in this world is to find connection with the universe and just be. I no longer want to follow the path blindly, hoping that some day I'll be happy. Somewhere, with someone, doing something. I can be perfectly happy right now. I'm here to experience this life, to embrace the moment, to accept myself. I might want to share this moment with someone but I don't need anyone to experience it. I am enough. I am alone and this is how it's supposed to be. Just me and the world. I'm teaching myself to like the idea. Because I've always thought I needed something else or someone else to enjoy this life but I was oh so wrong.

I stood by the lake and I watched the sun go down and the sight of it filled me with endless happiness. I think I had an epiphany moment there. The world of colors, sounds and smells unfolded in front of me and I breathed it all in.

For a moment I thought how amazing it would be to become a part of this wonderful country with all it's lakes and sunsets, but then I realized... I am a part of this! How weird is the idea of the world being divided into countries? I am a part of this beautiful planet and no borders can prevent me from enjoying a wonderful sunset.
I'm trying to change my perspective on this. Once upon a time I was happy in Sweden watching the sun go down. Sounds good. But not good enough, because I know I'm not a swede and I really wish I were. But how about a sunset that I once watched on this planet? Aren't we all earthlings?
See, it's all about the approach. Choose to be happy now.

Lots of love,



Friday, September 18, 2015

Hello from Sweden

Today marks a month since I came to Sweden. Time flies.
One month ago I was freaking out and had no idea what awaited me in Sweden and now this small town in the heart of Scandinavia, Arvika, totally feels like home.

What have I been up to? Attending classes, reading, traveling, exploring, having Skype talks with my family... Actually just living. I don't remember the last time I felt so alive and grateful for the sheer fact of being. I've been very happy here. Do you ever have those moments of overwhelming happiness? It's like the very air here contains molecules of happiness: you take a deep breath and...

It feels amazing to appreciate every single day here. Every morning I wake up feeling motivated and just positive about life and I feel much better mentally than ever before. This whole studying abroad thing is like a perfect well-deserved escape for me. It feels really good to be on my own having all the time in the world to reflect on my feelings and let the bad stuff go.
The last several years have been very challenging for me: I suffered from anxieties of all kinds and from an eating disorder, I felt miserable and lost, I felt as if I didn't have any control of what was going on in my life. I probably looked like a completely normal person but all those small issues were driving me crazy deeply inside and my mind was a mess. So, things aren't perfect now but I've already noticed a lot of improvements. Being in a totally new environment can do wonders when you want to clear your mind.

People keep asking me if I feel lonely here. The answer is no. Not at all. I'm perfectly fine and I actually enjoy being on my own more than I thought I would. Of course I talk to people every now and then but I haven't made any friends, which is ok. Everyone is different and I don't want to force things. Besides, I'm a very introverted person. I might also be a bit antisocial but I don't really care: I love being alone.

I've always been terrified by the idea of traveling on my own though. I have these weird phobias of losing my keys/money/passports and most of all - getting lost myself or missing a train. Ugh. But all these fears (ok, most of them) disappeared once I gained more experience. Traveling is not as complicated as it might seem: there are always people who can help you, there are timetables, there are maps... All those stupid fears just don't let you relax and enjoy exploring new places. So... I think I'm getting better at letting my fears go.

Well, I'm sorry my ramblings are so chaotic: my life in Sweden is just so overwhelmingly different that I have no idea how to write about it. But huge thanks if you've made it to the end of the post :)

Lots of love,



Friday, August 14, 2015


So, here is something that I wrote on my iPhone notes when I was on the beach. The sun was going down and I just felt overwhelmed.

"Greece. Being present. Living life. Every minute is filled with happiness, gratitude and amazement. The incredible and striking beauty of nature is all around you: just keep your eyes open, keep your mind open. Nothing matters but life itself and being alive."

Well, this probably sounds way too peaceful and romantic, as if taken from an all optimistic motivational poster or something. Yeah. I know. But Greece just makes you feel that way if you plan your trip well.
In our family we love quiet, isolated places. I am the kind of person who always spends a ridiculous amount of time browsing google maps to make sure the hotel I like is far enough from big roads and towns. This summer the efforts payed off. We stayed at the loveliest hotel surrounded by dreamy olive groves and the atmosphere was so relaxing that we literally forgot about time and nearly missed the flight home, hehe.
It was a great escape and I enjoyed every single minute of being there. Like, actively enjoyed constantly talking about the beauty around and whispering to myself about how lucky I was. Because how else are we supposed to express gratitude for being alive and having our opportunities? I like talking to myself so that I have something to hold on to when things don,t work out well for me.
I was happy there. Really, really happy.